Friday, February 3, 2017

Commute to work.

Ninety-five percent of the time, it is just me and NPR on my car ride to work in the early mornings. 

And my coffee. Always my coffee.

As of late, I've found myself driving in silence because the news is noisy in the last few weeks. Does that make sense? It is often too much for me to take in when the puffiness of my under eye area has yet to wear off from my deep winter slumber.

This morning I was flooded with thoughts of Ella's life before us. Just as there are triggers for her, there are triggers for me too. We are approaching the anniversary of departing for China, steeping ourselves in Yunnan Province and yes, holding Ella for the first time.

I forget that another woman pushed her into this world. That seems rather unconvincing to type but honest to God, I mean that sincerely. The enormity of this never fades. Sometimes it gets stowed away in a small corner of my heart and then takes over on a morning tinged with steel gray skies. I'll even admit to talking to myself in the car on this particular morning.

 For 10 months, she had routines and naps and feedings. If in fact she had a foster family (and although not told definitively we are certain she did) do they think of her still? She was so very much loved before we met. They would marvel in what they helped grow in this little human.

The routine gets mundane. Who am I kidding, the routine can get downright tiresome as we navigate our grown up schedules, Ella's school schedule, homework, Brownies and piano. Being blasted with this out of the blue today has helped me remember how truly remarkable our story is.

It makes memories of Year of The Rooster time with Ella's class all that more meaningful.

 It causes me to smile even bigger when Ella's BFF at school leaves this note at home after my teaching.

 I take greater pause in observing these moments of how we do life.

 And I let the laundry sit in baskets while I watch Ella's mind work in overdrive building with 15,000 little pieces of plastic that will no doubt get lost in the vacuum next week.